Monday, July 30, 2018

Melissa Needs Help

Howdy. I met Melissa when I worked as a bartender at a gentleman's club in Ft. Worth. Or was it Denver? Anyhoo, she had been in "show biz" for a couple of years and was on a promotion tour. What a lovely woman. Not only is she a beautiful woman, she is also a beautiful soul. Now I find out she is deathly ill in a hospital in Phoenix and needs money to pay bills. I checked it all out and the requests for help appear to be genuine. If you can find it in your heart, please go to this GoFundMe account and donate what you can.

The Search for Selfhood

Jimmy Startled here. I'm a high anxiety kind of guy. I'm nervous all the time, but especially so when things are going right, which hasn't happened in years. But I'm getting away from the subject I wanted to write about and that is how I've been relaxing lately.

I need to laugh for therapy to all the fucked-up trauma I've collected over the years, and so lately I've been watching reruns of The Office. I am currently in Season Three and only today realized that at one point or another I have identified with many of the characters on the show. Like Jim, for instance.

Jim is the tall, thin, funny and athletic salesman who is generally cool, calm and self-possessed. That's who I thought I was for the longest time. Jim has an ongoing flirtation with Pam the receptionist and they are good friends already. That's one difference between me and Jim. I've never been friends with any of my girlfriends like Jim is. It's an issue of trust, I guess, and it's not that Jim trusts Pam and the others so much; rather, I think he just really doesn't give a damn. I fell like I always have to make a point by acting like I give a damn. I probably need to be more like Jim.

A few times, I thought I might be more like young Ryan, the ambitious business school student, but Ryan actually pays attention. I never even got that far along.

It's not that I'm profoundly stupid, you see, I just get distracted by women. Plus I don't like to be told what to do.

So, I'm not like Ryan either.

I'm a little bit like the grossly overweight accountant in that he is a musician in his off-time. But that is where any similarity with Kevin ends. I'm not fat because I monitor what I eat and Kevin cannot control himself.

There is also Andy, who graduated from an ivy league college. Poor Andy -- even with his expensive education, he still wound up as a paper salesman in Scranton, Pennsylvania. I went to college but I'm not much like Andy.

Yet, there is one character with whom I share striking similarities. No, not Dwight. Hold your breath, wait for it. It's Michael, the star of the show himself. Please do not misunderstand. I am not happy recognizing all the similarities in character between Michael and myself. Michael is either an idiot or he is crazy. There is another possibility that he is mentally ill. Perhaps he is all those things and when I watch the motions of Michael and listen to his speech, I grow embarrassed for the both of us in my own dawning understanding of who I am. I am just like Michael Scott, the clueless Dunder Mifflin regional sales manager and furthermore, I am sick about it.

Sunday, July 29, 2018

Not So Smartphone

Smartphones are convenient and have quickly become a necessary accouterment for the average citizen. They keep us in touch, supply up-to-date relevant information, and since we carry them on our persons, they affix a GPS value to our position on the planet. I could be hiding in the piney woods of east Texas and AT&T would still know where I am.

Lately, I was in the process of completing a financial transaction but the process would not complete until I verified a code sent by the bank over a cellphone. It did not work because I do not have a smartphone. I called customer service and was informed the verification process was the only way my identity could be validated. In other words, if I wanted to do banking with this particular bank, I was required to have a smartphone.


I asked for another way to verify my person -- I was speaking to a rep over my landline -- and was informed a letter would be sent with the verification code and when I received it, I could call back to the same number and hand over the digits. The process would not work with my landline.

I also tried to buy some bitcoin as an investment and received the same runaround. I found out you can't buy bitcoin unless you've got a smartphone.

They call it a two-tier security system and it's controlled by computers (naturally!). Furthermore, if you don't have a smartphone, you're screwed. I wonder how many people are automatically disqualified from doing business.

Well, I went out and bought a cell phone, a cheap smartphone, what they call a burner, but now I still have to wait for my verification code to arrive in the US mail. What if it never appears? In that case, the banking rep said, call me back and we'll arrange some other way. I reminded her I was on the phone with her at that very moment and could we not somehow verify my identity then and there? She replied she could not and once again requested I call back when I received the code in the mail.

I took it as further proof that the entire world has gone completely and utterly mad. Will my banking transaction ever be completed? Who knows. I will wait and see. After all, what other choice do I have?

Friday, July 27, 2018

Magic Trick

Amaze your friends! For a detailed PDF on how to perform the above illusion, send $ to my Paypal account. Learn the secrets of ancient Hindi mystics!

Tuesday, July 24, 2018


Before and After.

Satan's Spawn

This demon looks like the Starbucks lady.
The Indian tribes knew it. The Vatican knows it. Heck, Bette Midler and Joy Bahar know it. It's a secret everybody knows but refuses to talk about. Women in the US are the spawn of Satan.

They want to be in charge and they want their men to act like sissies, except in the sack where they expect to be respected as well as receive porn star action. They want their own viagra and they want to be able to kill their children if the mood hits. They don't want just equality because that would not work in their favor. Nope, they want to keep their protective cultural status while passing yet more affirmative action laws for themselves.

Women are now a political group first and secondly, they are one of the two sexes on the planet. At least, that is how they appear to see themselves these days.

Oh sure, they still go crazy every 28 days and they still insist on equality but it's all a sham. They don't want equal rights; they want full control.

I had a girlfriend once named Tina. Tina's view on reality was that she had already lived a life she could not remember and she had apparently died and been sent to hell.

Furthermore, everyone she knew in her life was actually a demon sent to torment her. Actually, it's not a bad explanation and sometimes I am inclined to agree with her.

And so, the thing is, Tina's explanation is extended to all the shrieking harpies out there who shout for equal pay and equal rights and abortion and all that. The question is, are they all demons like Tina says, or are they amnesiac prisoners of Hades who have earned their torturous existence? Until such time they can shut their collective mouths, I vote for demons.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Hello Zack Kitty

Don't Be a Sissy

An article on the Drudge Report this morning says arguing with your spouse is unhealthy. Tell me something I don't already know. American men catch hell for being abusive to their wives but little is said about the constant barrage of abuse American men take from not only their wives but American culture at large. Progs have tried to force sissyism and feminism on American men for decades now and it looks to me as if it has worked.

If you like being an American sissy, reply to this post by leaving a post saying how much you like being a sissy and why being a sissy-boy is better.

I say it's better to live alone on the corner of the roof than to share a space with a quarrelsome woman.

If your wife is a mouthy bitch and threatens to ruin your already miserable life, do not have children with her. Find a lawyer and leave that shrew as fast as you can.

The truth is, you don't need a partner to define who you are.

Friday, July 13, 2018

Settle the Argument Permanently

Here's how to fix bipartisanship and family squabbles and trouble at work. Bring back dueling. Put it on pay-per-view. Way better than either the NFL or NBA.

Deja Vu

Monday, July 9, 2018

People Are Crazy

The title says it all. These days, everybody I run into has some new version of craziness they want to share with me. While it is amusing and not a little entertaining, it is also somewhat scary. Often, I don't know whether I'm going to get attacked for some opinion or other. You might attack me because I don't vote the way you'd prefer me to vote or I don't donate to your favorite cause or maybe you just don't care for the cut of my clothes. Maybe your favorite soccer team lost the championship and you're mad about it. Or, maybe they won and you feel the need to celebrate by burning a few parked cars and putting your fists in my face.

Maybe you're a revolutionary bent on changing or destroying the current order of things. Maybe, like me, you're pissed about being poor.

Whatever the cause, people are out of their ever-lovin' minds these days. They want to tell me what to consume, what to think, where to go, and especially when and where to die.

I'm kind of sick of living in the land of fake freedom and I would move to a tropical island but, as stated above, I am too poor.

So, this blog is about all the craziness out there. I do not exempt myself from the cycle of cause and effect and you shouldn't either. If you're reading this, you're probably crazy too. Come be crazy with me.